1/6/2015 so i just sit down and force myself to write whatever, its just to keep my thoughts sharp even though most of them are TOTALLY DULL

its june ITS MY BIRTHDAY MONTH I LOVE HAVING A BIRTHDAY EVERY YEAR ITS LIKE GETTING MY OWN HOLIDAY INFACT IT IS MY OWN HOLIDAY

my family mistook my locking myself in a room becacuse i hate strangers singing me happy birthday for me not liking birthdays in general TOTAL BULLSHIT
but it made it so i never had a big birthday party unti i could throw them myself AND NO ONE WAS ALLOWED TO SING THE BIRTHDAY SONG

i LOVE THROWING PARTIES ugh ugh especially contrived themed ones where everyone has to dress up and deal with my overbearing party hosting ala me being stalin at the communist party and having a airsoft firing squad to shoot my PRISONERS who didnt adhere to my dress code

i really like june birthdays because it seems like EVERYONE HAS BIRTHDAYS THEN
so i can throw JOINT birthday parties
my favorite one was where it was THREE peoples birthday and i was just like, okay whatever lets all pick a them
so the theme was THE PRISONER (TV SHOW WITH NUMBER SIX) CERTIFICATES (congratulations you're a special boy) and GLITTER becuase lauren is simple and just likes things to be shiny

i was really upset with my theme though because i wanted it to be a COMPLETELY PRISONER PARTY and also because i was too fat for my number six khakis so i wore these sutpid pajama pants and it just made my costume really halfassed
so i really want to do a prisoner party again, WHERE EVERYONE ELSE IS NUMBER TWO AND TRYING TO BREAK MY MIND well everyone doesnt have to be number two because i understand that not every single person alive wants to putme in a ridiculous predicament that eventually backfires, and plus the rainbow ponchos they make for extras are super awesome looking

OH MY GOD I JUST REMEMEBRED THAT THE GUY WHO WAS NUMBER TWO IN THE CHECKMATE EPISODE MADE THAT RAPE SONG https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAFPaJ1RjMg
for being a song about rape its really inoffensive
HA HA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY AWFUL but for some reason it makes me giggle
becasue im awful and 12 and think 1960s racial stereotypes combined with making light of sexual assault is comical? OH GOD I AM A TERRIBLE PERSON

---

STRIDER IS COMING HOME TODAY its been 14 months since i saw him, and he wont even get to staywith me for a long time because this apartmetn is tiny and theres already a cat here so i need to work on finding someone to foster him until i find a bigger apartment, whcih i have NO IDEA HOW IM GOING TO AFFORD IN THE FIRST PLACE
being an adult is so scary, but at least i get to kiss my cat
oh god hes going to be so mad at HDB, like UGH YOU LEFT ME FOR THIS GIANT *screams, attacks genitals, screams while attacking genitals*
oh wait that was meowzbow who would attack whoever i was dating's genitals
he was a very jealous cat
strider will just yell and sit on his face
OH MY GOD I MISSED STRIDER SO SO SOSOOSOSOS MUCH NEED MY CAT BACK NNEED MY CCAT BACK need a new keyboard jesus christ

i feel soawful because jenn and ted have been taking care of striderand hes been ruining their house with PEEING AND SCREAMING, i guess the stress of moving halfway across the country made him a bad pee baby, or maybe hehates the fancy litter, or maybe its the dog in the house ANYWAY IT WASNT SUPPOSED TO BEFOR THIS LONG and i dont know how to make it up to them but i think taking strider back (even though thsi isnt the best living situation for him, its still a living situation thats WITH MEand not IN TEXAS PEEING) will be some kind of start
i gotta figure outsome kind of thank you package of like, soap and maybe carpet samples and dog pictures

holy shit i miss my buff piece of catmeat though GET READY FOR SO MANY PICTURES and also frustration at him SLAMMING EVERY DOOR HE CAN OPEN (which is all of them)

2/6/2015

striders back, just in time for my patreon money to come through so i can take him to the vet--- oh wait i have less than rent money now
which makes sense because i havent been DOING ENOUGH WITH PATREON AT ALL but i havent been DOING ENOUGH WITH IT becauyse im fucking stressed about money and job hunting and its a fucking vicious awful cycle
when i first started it i was traveleing and fine and had an apartment lined up and rent was never a problem and my food stamps covered a lot and my medical went through but then i had to move to washington so my food stamps are gone and my medicaid is gone and my job offers are gone and i cant fucking find another job and EVERYTHING IS GONE GONE GONE and i just want to be in a safe enough space where i can worry aboutdoing what i love and NO THATS NOT HOW IT IS
THOSE six months were amazing though
these six months have been hell

i mean i have all the love i ever need, but theres just SOMETHING
its crippling me, im going to go out and check up on a couple jobs that i applied for

havent left yet
i just realized that i havent even been having interesting dreams lately, its all the same shit, teeth falling out, finding lots of money, dead pets rotting in my arms, being hungry
im not myself, at all. i feel like ill never be myself again, and i feel like im wasting everyones time because i see so much success and like prolific creation and people blossoming around me and im fucking struggling to find ANY JOB and just WRITE every day
and its not helping beating myself up about it, becasue i just hyperfocus on self-loathing and it makes me write shit like this
theres so much suicial ideation going on, i dont want to be a burden, im 31 in a week and i have nothing to show for it etc etc
thibs is just my livejournal but 238992305x less interesting. which means ive REGRESSED TO THIS in ten years, what happened to me posting every day with pictutres and new discoveries??? i dont want to experience anything new, it takes all i have to even experience familar comfortable things
i want to cancel on social events all the time, i dont want anyone to see me like this, but i need to be social to get happy, and i cant even muster going to a coffee shop for an hour with a friend
my self worth is just in the toilet
but fuck it im oging to check those places out now

3/6/2015

moms birthday. shes still suicidal, and what a day for it to explode
cant deal with her threats of killing herself unless i fix every problem in her life, i really really fuckcing cant deal with that

keyboard broken brb

8/6/2015

my KEYBOARD FINALLY WORKS AGAIN that was freaking annoying! iwas copy/pasting everything i needed to type haha
so i have this downstairs neighbor who physically attacked me when james and i came over. we were talking about street harassment and how ive dealt with it in the past and have never been actually mugged or harmed just by being careful and not being a dumbass when im out at night, and to prove some kind of point he TACKLED ME (i was laying on my stomach already, like it was super casual, shoes off just hanging around on a bed while neighbor and james smoked weed on the other side of the room) and pinned my arms behind me and was like WELL LOOK NOW WHAT IF THIS HAPPENED YOUD BE DEAD so i freaked out and james pulled him off me
somehow this made him think his point was provene ven though im not going tobe LAYING ON TEH GROUND ON MY STOMACH OUTSIDE DICKING AROUDN WITH MY PHONE FOR ANY REASON EVER
now whenever he sees james he calls me a racist and swears that i call the cops on hima nd call him a n**** (HES NOT EVEN FUCKING BLACK, why would i call an indigaaene WHATEVER IVE NEVER CALLED HIM A SLUR its besides the point though) and that im going to get killed because im a hipster or something and its just like
bitch im almost 31 ive survived this far, been homeless, just because im white and you got me in a choke hold while i was laying down doesnt mean im fucking helpless
it also just really fucking sucks because he lives directly downstairs from me, and has a serious serious drinking problem, to where he'll stop you in the hall and just start rambling without making sense, then yelling at you if you try to interrupt or reply or get away from the conversation, and he also plays music INCREDIBLY LOUD (its funny at first me and james thought it was someone who was really into playing rock band, but its someone actually llistening to ROCK BAND MUSIC ALL DAY, the same 100 songs over and over) and screams and stomps on the floor, teh stomping has shaken things on my desk!!
and i dunno, its just fucking awful to be reminded this man whos totally out of control when drinking, who has ATTACKED ME and constantly accuses me of things ive never done, is just right down there.. i just feel so uncomfortable here sometimes. plus his taste in music sucks

10/6/2015

BIRTHDAY GONNA SEE RICHARD HFOMEMEIERALL DAY HESSO HANDSOME I SWOON AT HIS FEET

11/6/2015

RICHARD WHINED AOUT HIS EX THE ENTIRE TIME AND HOW HE HAS NOTHINGTOLIVE FOR BUT HER
although i finally got to play DAPHNY GAME and i was stuck on the opening screen for a good five minutes because i thought it was teh WHOLE GAME

17/6/2015

RICHARD CAME BACK hes supposed to be finishing typing game but hes homeless and smelly and hungry so i made him food and let him use the SHOWER
so much for attacking this thing every day, CANT EVEN COMMIT TO A SIMPLE DIARY CAN YOU
OH MAN his typing game mkaes me really want to get out my mechanical keyboard though and just go at it alld ay making those fingers roll those clackety clacks I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT THE CLACKS
OKAY IM GONNA GET IT JESUS FINE
ahh actually okay thats much better i feel the resistance of the keys nad it makes me want to fight back with WORDS

i cant stop looking at selfies from hot dads HOW ARE THERE SO MANY HOT DADS I NEED A PIECE OF ALL THESE HOT DADS THEY'RE EVERYWHERE BUT INSIDE ME i gotta start working out for all these hot dads my butt got a good big size but OOPS SO DID EVERYTHING ELSE how will i attract the attnetion of a hot dad if i dont have a OH GOD THIS IS SO SHALLOW no im picturing myself like in a garage spotting for a hot dad but then he breaks my arms with the weightbar and cockroach limbs come out oh wait that hot dad is freddy krueger in a nightmare on elm street four

horrible dragon said he had a sexy dream about me he gets home in like 30 minutes maybe it was a hot dad sex--WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

I THOUGHT I HAD BEAT IT BEFORE I EVEN HIT THE START BUTTON